4 Years too Late (A post from the past)

Really want to fuck yourself emotionally.

Go log on to that blog you made when you were at your lowest, I mean perpetually low. A seeming endless cascade of awful, emotionally or physically.

Now pick some of those post that not just only reflected to a tee how much just living was/is a chore but in a way that it just re-hashes everything. Then pick a song that talk about this emptiness, theoretically or otherwise. Even if it didn't intend to be that kind of song.

For me today it's "The Bird and The Worm" by The Used and "Skeleton" by Bloc Party

Hope you don't fucking relapse because you may just not survive it again.Who knows right.

Hey I'm back. 6 months too late you say.

Who ever you are.

6 months early I would say.

I'm working on that thing where I try to pretend that I don't need people, but that I realize that I do and hate it. As much as I need people doesn't mean I want all the socializing that comes with it. Selfish. 

Sure.

But I won't lie to you I want to be alone. I love it really being stuck here in my head, it's not as scary

Sometimes All I Want to Do is Play Video Games

I find it hard to write here.
I'm not illiterate and I can type, even if it requires me to look at the keyboard while doing it.
But still I find it hard to write here.
I have years of fake/real baggage I could flood my blog with.


Since grade seven I haven't quite been the same, or maybe I was always this person I just hadn't realized it yet.....


Hours and days on end about every band.

I can't seem to catch the flame in Arcade Fire. They're no Death Cab for Cutie so I'll just to have to let it grow on me I guess. Now Paramore, that's a band.....


Every movie I have yet to see.

I really just want to watch Norman. Is that so hard universe to provide me with one link to the Sundance film I have been craving for...


But increasingly I find it hard to write.
To write here, on Facebook, tumblr, livejournal. You name it and if I have it I probably won't be able to write a thing, other then ramblings of how I can't write.
Social Networking has only made me unsocial. Am I not doing it right.
I guess you have to make the conscious decision to want people to know about your life and be comfortable enough (or lack a filter and self control maybe) to post what you feel no matter the topic and who it is going to displease.

I am sure of one thing. If it were up to me, life would be video games. Thoughts could be recorded right out of your head and replayed when you want. I can't write but I sure have wonderful thoughts.  

" Life's disappointments are here"
"What do you mean by that"
"I didn't make it and i can't wrap my head around why im not sad"
"Maybe your not disappointed, was this why you applied in the first place to test how much disappointment you could handle in one dose"
"Shut up, i applied beacause... i... umm.... I applied because i love editing and seperating shot and reworking shots, i woud be content on doing that for the rest of life's disappionting moments"
" But you have no potenial i guess your not so good or over confidence has failed you in the end"

I am left thinking it is just a new beginning, i hope in the next life i wont make a mistake of testing disapointment and find the true calling of my mind. Or whatever would be better then being accepted to the place i want to be. so i have nothing to worry about right, i will just have to remind myself it can always be worse and...

Me, as A Whole Fraction (Revisited)

so i had the biggest bravado today (if thats'swhat it can be called) i acted incharge, ruthless, daring and totally content, it's weird because today i wanted climb into my bed stay there, i wanted to cry furious just before the end of school, but you know i'm not;depressed. so i just went with the day. So i have been asked a very simple question by no one but if feel i need to answer this not asked question, Who Am I. so this what i had to say.
I Am Nichelle. I try despretly to fit in every where. i'm not that confident but can on good bravados, i lie badly and do not like dissucsing the pain i sometimes feel. i take for granted what i have and reach for things i don't. i'm charming in every way but relationship wise. I fear being alone or losing my best friend though it will probably happen.;some;of;what i typed was a lie;. I want to be popular and wanted like;every teenager does.;i am caught between liking girls and guys and hope that isn't my fault, ii want to be poetic and deep to be able to talk about things in such away that people are still thinking of it when they sleep.;I Am Nichelle and that's the whole fucking story.