" Life's disappointments are here"
"What do you mean by that"
"I didn't make it and i can't wrap my head around why im not sad"
"Maybe your not disappointed, was this why you applied in the first place to test how much disappointment you could handle in one dose"
"Shut up, i applied beacause... i... umm.... I applied because i love editing and seperating shot and reworking shots, i woud be content on doing that for the rest of life's disappionting moments"
" But you have no potenial i guess your not so good or over confidence has failed you in the end"

I am left thinking it is just a new beginning, i hope in the next life i wont make a mistake of testing disapointment and find the true calling of my mind. Or whatever would be better then being accepted to the place i want to be. so i have nothing to worry about right, i will just have to remind myself it can always be worse and...

Me, as A Whole Fraction (Revisited)

so i had the biggest bravado today (if thats'swhat it can be called) i acted incharge, ruthless, daring and totally content, it's weird because today i wanted climb into my bed stay there, i wanted to cry furious just before the end of school, but you know i'm not;depressed. so i just went with the day. So i have been asked a very simple question by no one but if feel i need to answer this not asked question, Who Am I. so this what i had to say.
I Am Nichelle. I try despretly to fit in every where. i'm not that confident but can on good bravados, i lie badly and do not like dissucsing the pain i sometimes feel. i take for granted what i have and reach for things i don't. i'm charming in every way but relationship wise. I fear being alone or losing my best friend though it will probably happen.;some;of;what i typed was a lie;. I want to be popular and wanted like;every teenager does.;i am caught between liking girls and guys and hope that isn't my fault, ii want to be poetic and deep to be able to talk about things in such away that people are still thinking of it when they sleep.;I Am Nichelle and that's the whole fucking story.

Attempt at Poetry #2 (Revisited)

Longing to be restless
born to reform
wishing for protest to begin
kept at home by the "Man"
the smell of pot to wrestle my skin
i fear not the feelings i keep within
May all who protest and wish for peace alike
stand and reform against this money controlled way of life


Who Am I
I am the wanderer
the passing wind
the air frees me
I'm whole again
I blow by unnoticed
unseen
unheard
like the air being released by a bird
i see all
our fates, are deaths
what we drink before we bow are heads
how life starts, how life ends
yes I'm a 2012 movie again

Who Am I Pt.2

You ask who i be
I'm the man on the street begging for money
the old lady who walks kind of funny
the kid who stutters at speech
the girl to afraid to visit the beach
I'm the ocean mist from your childhood
that drink you took to far to say it was good
I'm the first person you kissed, who married your best friend
I'm that boss yo hate to no end
I'm that rich geek you beat up at school
I'm that stupid jerk you thought was so cool
i finally say if you are confused
Im everything in your life you wish to lose

Life's Random Surprises (Revisited)

I had a burst of inspration when trying to make my friend a CD. It was kind of how i felt at the moment minus the love part, which i thought would go with this peom

Right Now

I can't breath but im sitting
Heart tensing up about to explode
Nervousness creeping in from all directions
Cutting close to a dead line I can not miss


How do I slow down, speed up, get rid of this


Time draws near I draw back


Scared of what lies behind that


That void of life that they call love

A Poem from Hello Absurd World

this is a poem i found on Blogger by a girl named Hannah Miet, if you like it make sure to follow her

"Today,

I forgot my pen

forgot that I was breathing

I forgot my phone

so I forgot my plans

forgot who I was meeting.

I also forgot how to forget

all that you had taught me.

and I walked to your doorstep

to tell you I was sorry.

But you weren't home,

the house was for sale

the realtor was already

showing this yuppie couple

your backyard.

So I guess this is my last chance

to make the same mistakes

all over again.

I am getting older

wiser,

maybe.

and I feel like I sailor

bound to travel endlessly

following my heart everywhere

there really is no remedy.

I love so much

I think I might die."

Music (Revisited)

Music is a big part of my life,i play it, i listen to it, enjoy it- more then you know. I listen to music as i write this, as write every light hearted blog i have published. but can music influence you enough to do things not supposed to be done in society, to break rules that goverment polices inforce, to shake hands with the Devil even for a moment. I listened to a song once and then that night had a dream about running naked through Home Depot. I just let go, no troubles, no fear, pure adeneline. At that moment I knew what She had meant about "Being High On Life" feeling free and at total peace, haromony with everything, connections with nothing there is only special moments i get that feeling, me living in a pool of disappointment to my family there isn't a time i really feel like smiling but every so often She cheers me up it's great having friends, having Music

My Attempt at Poetry (Revisited)

The Most Woderful Time Of the The Year
I spend the holidays Wondering
"You should happy for what you get" they say
what if i don't get anything
I wake up one christmas and find no gifts
Go to the store and see no costumes
visit my friend's synagogue and find no monorah
Find everyone shunning me to keep quite about St.Patties Day
What is it about the holidays that we feel so obilged to recieve items of desire
the newest gagdets from Best Buy
the coolest clothes from The Gap
I always spend time wondering why Canadians live like that

Insomnia Brings on Deep Thinking (Revisited)

Im suffering from insomnia for about a week now, during the day i have to have sugar or i'll fall asleep. I'm up at night in pure silence nothing but the air coming from the laptop, the whirling sound of jets that power my treasured computer yet these sounds are only a whisper of how loud my house can get. I'm aching from twitter withdrawl. My dad told me once that twitter was like a drug, once you try it the first time you try to recapture that same feeling over and over again, but you never can, you never will, you will hurt your body in the process, hurt for mind forever. I made her promise not to ever do drugs ever, i can't lose her to that it would be terrible.
I have read books about how drugs affected people, in one story called "Crank" by Ellen Hopkins, the main character descirbes taking Meth as reaching the top of a rollercoaster and you have the sudden burst of adreniline, of fear, of pure enjoyement, but like every rollercoaster you have to come down. She describes it as hitting rock bottom you fall so fast that the enjoyment is gone you just feel low, lifeless time passing to fast, wishing time it would past faster as the "Monster"in your mind needs more, more of the high feeling more of the Meth. She in the end denies the "Monster" it was a bit to late but after getting pregnant she sees what it is doing to her.
I don't only read sad drug related books, moving to a new school has changed me, they say that humans can adapt the best to new enviroments, the first year at that school was proof of it i had stop hanging out with guys for a year had to make girl best friends. that school was one of those stereotypical schools you see on TV. if you hanged out with the guys they questioned you, if you talked with one guy many time they said you liked him. you had had long coversations with one guy you were practically dating already. Lucky i survived the culture shock there and made friends and a best friend.
I some times see a girl who came to this school the same year that i did stil standing around, no one to talk too, no one to hang out with. I can only imagine how it hurts to be that alone, like a living hell, like a sad dream that the reality is, it's not a dream.

Friendship (Revisited)

"Your friends with everyone, your like the friend Houdini" She exclaims, in my head im thinking Houdini was an escapist, i don't evaded making friends.
"Your Friends with Asher and Carolina now thats magic" She continues, to this day I feel no compassion for Asher, he is racist and annoying to everyone, friend is another way to say that we have mutual respect for each other.
Her friends hoared around her pulling her away to tell their silly jokes and random conversations i walk away wondering why my other friends don't pull me away from everyone as often as her "Entourage" do. i walk up the stair and hanging my stuff in the usaual place she apporches me, seeing the gloom on my face she asks 'whats wrong' i tell her 'nothing' to hide her from the inner Emo and self pity i try so hard not to show.
I take my seat beside one of her friends, i wonder if she is jealous of me invading her life like i have done to so many before, making friends with those who she has known for years before i came, in mere days
We go to an assembly - her friends are all sitting togather
she choses to sit with me; already i don't see why, I'd rather she sit with her friends she seems so detached from them already because of me, i can't watch her try to communicate with them from a far but i know if i say to go sit with them she will refuse and say she enjoys sitting with me
i'm the friend who will get all her "Pervy Jokes", i can only hope our friendship isn't based on that. The presentation was nice we leave and her crush points out the eyes on the christmas carollers are deformed, i laugh because everyone laughs at his jokes or fantisizes being with him if he was skinner. i particually don't find him hot or wantable at the least.i don't tell her that my other friends like him i don't want to break a line of clear seperation of social groups here, even though i am in so many social groups that i don't fit in all the time.i go outside and people confront me about how i look my friends stick up for me the popular friends do too , but to everyone's surprise so dose Asher. They say sorry and didn't mean to offend me, i cry a little for a reason only my subconsious mind knows and will not tell me.Being an unoteable person i watch as people fight, people laugh, enjoy each others company i then join like that girl who only speaks when spoken too, once i feel comfortable i'll put my 2 cents in for a moment and watch how the conversation arises and turns different directions as if our words are like cars who start road rage with other drivers who instead of swearing just say there commets about our cars.
might only be me but i feel he has the need to speak more to me then her or maybe my subconsious mind is giving me a hint about my feelings toward him i choose to ignore it because he wouldn't like me that way or any other way then friends
i encounter her again on my way home she trys to attack me hyptheticlly speaking and i seriuosly doubt what she keeps me as a friend for.she's talking with one of her friends again when i'm trying to say something, so feeling left out i make a random remark. theose remarks you only here perverts say on Youtube say, it gets there attention but i secertly feel stupid for saying it. they both leave and i am forced to walk home the long way. Just to say something to her i am forced to walk doulbe the length of sidewalk home i feel quite stupid when i could of walked with one of my friends the ones who aren't scared of anything and don't hurt me in anyway.Home a house where you must feel belonging too.at home i'm at peace no exceptations, no unfriendly encouters, no stupid remarks made for pure attention i don't have to walow in self pity because i feel none. I can listen to up beat music, hardcore rock, even those songs Yahoo music catergorized as Emo. Music is my salvation of the day what's your's ?

First Post (Revisited)

My first blog WOW, i'm excited already So if you start following me (which you won't) and want to hear how im feeling, my view on current, and not so current events or even just what happened to day (which you don't, trust me i know) im giving you the heads up, some of my blog post are going to be a bit Emo or Depressing but trust me i'm just going threw a phase in life you know like when people in there like 40's buy motorcycles or try to fit in with younger people or there old jeans, i will get over it eventually (i hope) i will label those depressing emo blogs E=mo so look out B*tches.

Has any one seen The Blind Side i have it's an really insprational story and it's true you should check it out, or else i will find you(i won't, i don't stalk people) and shove polish sausage into your mouth (by that i mean a polish man's "sausage" will be shoved into your mouth, does any one know were I can buy one of those, personal reasons, and if your thinking "i know what she wants that for", or whore i wasn't thinking of doing that with it, i need a gift for my friend)

Okay I'm reposting old blog posts because I miss them.
I was a person who I miss.
I look up to my younger self.

Hey it's me again fortanely I have not learned how to *spell better meaning if my musings are unreadable and impossible to articulate, then it was to be expected, right. On with the show. I love having this little app to type because there is always moments where I just the need to document what I'm thinking. Must be my generation. Bunch of over sharing, Apple worshiping, unemployed protesters this generation. I wouldn’t ask to be in different era. Ever.

I'll be totally honest with you, whoever you are. I'm bored and I really just want to ride my bike and get out of the house. I want someone to call me and in way I don't. No one calls on Saturdays since Toyo stopped and I’ve lost the will and the ability to communicate to almost everyone over phone. Some would say it’s quite pathetic, I wouldn’t say anything because I'd have no response.

Tell me, tell me, tell me something I don’t know. Something I don’t. How many inches in a mile, how long to make you smile, get you not to treat me like a child baby. That was a musical interlude (the lyrics are a bit iffy, so beware). So in other news. I feel we should start a occupy St. Augustine and bring back the wild. Those were 3 completely unrelated things yet they fit so perfectly in a nonsensical sentence. You must greatly enjoy and show deep admiration for those words.

I think if I could go on talking to, and about myself, to myself all day I would. It would be egotistical and maybe at the same time self-esteem crushing. Instead of the phrase "Party Hard" (made known to me by the site tumblr), I say "Party with such force it is capable of breaking large objects." I find it funny but I don’t think anyone I know personally will. So, that’s a joke between me and myself, talk about an inside jokes.

In the words of Mika "Un jour tu comprendas, un jour tu t'en voudras." Au revouir (still hoping that’s spelt right).

*Note: Spell Checked before posted, but writing still isn't consistently all correct*

It's Turtles All The Way Down

Well hello I feel the need to write about me everywhere I can. It might be because of the oversharer generation I was born into or that I expect everyone to be subject to my feeling. Maybe it's because in heart I know that no one really wants to know about Nichelle Tully-Bailey. She lived, she died, and everything she did in between became as she did, irrelevent. I'm not looking to be remembered (if even a little). I've always seen myself as either superior or irrelevant, inadequate, and small.

Hello I'm Nichelle and even as I write this, I want to be forgotten, to be swallowed below everyone else's lives. I've heard that being able to lie convincingly at a young age means you'll become a more successful adult. I don't think it's the lying that gives you a someway psychological advantage at "getting successful" whatever you would like to define it. My successful, well I don't have a definition. Unlike adults I'm totally honest in myself gratifying actions. A family is not ideal. Continuing the line of sad liquid coursing through me to another being seems cruel. So yes alone is probably what I'll become because everyone wants a family, someone who looks up to you and needs to rely on you, someone to put you as their own #1. How self-gratifying is it to want someone for yourself.

Hello my name is Nichelle. I still think high school is the hardest years of your life. No one wants to peak at high school, but I think a peaked at elementary school. Back when I felt smart and the weight of the world somehow started to make it soul crushing descent upon my metaphorical shoulders. I've always found philosophy quite interesting. Just thinking, you don't have to articulate your philosophy. Speaking prevents thought; thought brings on the need to speak. I don't like articulating my thoughts. I don't answer questions in class or put too much outward participation. No, my confidence in all I do is low. Never quite sure so even if I am right, I'm still wrong. I don't like to articulate my thoughts or talk about myself. I do speak of myself but there very superficial or lies that are elaborate enough to believe.

I know people say that the only constant is change. But it's only change if you cling too much to one concept. The change is inconsistency. If that only made sense.